Report and Re-emphasize

So it been quite a while. A long time, and things are going well, i just haven't been in the writing mood. The report is as follows.

I've lost 12kgs. I feel great. I'm fitting size 16's and am now flying solo. So i stopped doing lite n easy about 3 weeks ago now and have lost 2kgs on my own now. These are all nice accomplishments to report, they are the measurable accomplishments. I'm more proud of the progress i've made that people can't see. The changes inside my mind are the changes I'm most proud of.

The first 2 weeks were HELL. It was literally like going on a detox. The withdrawal was monstrous. I was craving sugar SO bad. I was really hungry. I felt terrible. I wanted to quit so many times. I stuck it out. Yeah good on me.

I bought Zumba and started doing that as well. Been super slack in the last month though.

I no longer have cravings. Infact my body cannot tolerate bad fatty food. Without going into details, it literally rejects it. On several occasions I've taken one mouthful of lets say a burger and spat it right out. YUCK. I actually don't like the flavor of bad foods anymore. My taste buds have completely changed. Once upon a time I could eat the sweetest things, now, fruit is as about as sweet as it can get. Infact in most cases I substitute vanilla essence for sugar. I enjoy a bit of 80% dark chocolate and 2 squares is plenty.

WOW isn't that huge! Who would of thought... i've kind of blown myself away.

I'm happy.

In those dark moments not so long ago, I never dreamed this would be possible. Not much about my life has changed. Well sort of. First, I had to fix my hormones. Second, I had to fix my testimony and repent. Third, time to start serving again (at home and at church). Fourth, time to tackle the weight and lifestyle changes.

I firmly believed that loosing this weight was (for me at least) was about obeying a commandment. I was infact breaking a commandment.... ie. the Word of Wisdom. The healthier I become the more I am appreciating and understanding my role as a beloved daughter of a Father in Heaven. And as his daughter I'm pretty special. The only sadness is that its taken me so long to realize this. I've wasted so much time!

This weightloss is NOT about being a size 8 or looking "hot" or "sexy." Remember that rant? This is about being healthy. Its interesting to note that the begining of healthy is HEAL. And that is exactly what had to happen and is continuing to happen. By doing this, I'm teaching my children correct eating habbits.

The last thing I wanted to share is a bit about women and hormones. I see alot of the old depressed me in alot of women I come into contact with. I firmly believe that alot of depression stems directly as a result of hormone inbalances. Within 3 days of taking some natural medications I felt NORMAL. I felt the heavy cloke of despair lift and my body respond is a positive manner. I was able to think straight and felt in control of my emotions and thought processes. I went to see a Holistic Doctor who i HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Here are the details.

The Medical Sanctuary

Dr Paul Payton

(Holistic Medical Practitioner)

Office C2

Ashmore City Shopping Centre

206 Currumburra Road

Ashmore

PH 5564 5013

FAX 5564 5080

www.themedicalsanctuary.com.au

Thankyou everyone for you kind comments and support. Its been most encouraging to receive your kind words.

Christmas made with my own hands

I love making as many gifts as possible at Christmas time. This means you have to start early or just resist giving aways crafts for birthdays and other special occasions throughout the year. This year we have my sister in law and her husband and 3 kids to buy for (in the Kilworth family). I've racked my brains! I think i've made up my mind what to do for all the girls. Here are my ideas.

My sister in law, Nikki, loves a funky pant. I saw this pattern Issey Miyake designed for Vogue. Love the top and pants combo. What do you think?

Pattern number 1052

I've tried to upload the picture but the file keeps getting corrupted somewhere along the line. Google it if you can be bothered.

So idea number 2. For the 2 girls i wanted to make some church and casual skirts for my neices.

I was planning to use the new pattern Make it Perfect just released, and incorporate this concept on no big dill.

As it happens Make it Perfect have a give away currently running to win the new pattern. If your interested check it out here.

Now idea number 3.... is for me. I'm finding as i loose weight its really hard on the clothes front. Clothes aren't fitting or are looking baggy and making me look bigger than I really am. I don't want have to buy a whole wardrobe at every size on my way down. So what to do!

My solution... a wrap skirt! I'll use another pattern from Make it Perfect to achieve this.

Plus some home baked goods like last year. I just made an apple cordial, so depending on how that goes down tonight with my friends who are coming for dinner then that may make it into some gift baskets as well. The feedback was the relish was yummo. Better start cooking soon.

And while I'm at it, I'm needing some ideas for my stall. I'm just wanting to sell some food items. So far I thought I'd do my tomato relish, lemon butter, melting moments, apricot balls, anzac biscuits. Would love some ideas. And the only proviso is that the ingredients are relatively cheap to buy and easy to make.

Thanks!

Day One... should be un-eventful right?! I'm hungry. I had my first lite n easy meal at lunch just after it arrived. I was nice, but i could of eaten 3 times that amount to feel satisfied. I had porridge for breakfast made with skim milk and an apple for morning tea. ARGH i didn't think it would be so hard STRAIGHT AWAY. And to make matters worse, its raining, so my walk down to the park will have to wait for clearer weather. I guess this really is day one of re-hab. Massively addicted to food!

Goal 1

Fit my wedding and engagement ring

Goal 2

Fit a size 14 for the eventual nuptuals of the Beffamy and Bennitch. (No pressure guys, I need a while to reach that target).

Goal 3

Cut back on lite n easy and suppliment meals with my own cooking

Goal 4

Exercise. DOn't know how i feel about this one. hmmmmm

Right. The ranting is over. Back to work ALicia

Monotony... education for the eternities

Those who believe in the Plan of Salvation have a desire and want to return to live with our Father in Heaven. Further still we believe in progression and the eventuality of becoming like our Heavenly Parents in the roles of Gods (with the conditions of righteousness of course). So this is my opening paragraph.

Paragraph two. We're mortals and daily life is full of routines that are essential for our health and happiness. Most days are exactly alike. These certainly seems to be the case myself, a stay at home mum. The routines revolve around cooking and cleaning. OH MY GOODNESS THE CLEANING! Its not unusual to clean something up to 10 times a day. I average sweeping 4 times a day, washing up anywhere from 2-6 times a day, i make several meals, clean up toys fiddy million times and every now and again i spot dust in a place i haven't paid attention to in years and decide that the filth is to be eliminated this instant! I've often think while i'm ironing one of my husband business shirts..... didn't i just iron this! I wonder how many times I've ironed this shirt. So you get the drift, I clean alot and still the house is no where near the standard i'd like to keep.

In the days where i get really down its usually to do with how board i am from doing the same things over and over and over again. There is no excitement in monotony. Some days i try to give tasks little or no thought and just "get it over with." Other days it really gets to me and on those days the dishes sit in the sink, the toys are resembling a war zone and food is found smeared into the cream rug.

My question in all of this... What is the Lord trying to teach me? There is a lesson to be learnt in monotony. There is an attitude to be learnt in monotony. There is a eternal reality yet to come in monotony.

How long has God the Father been a God the Father? And how long is God the Father going to be God the Father? Eternity. I expect he knows alot about monotony. Has he not been doing the same things for eons of time and will continue to do so forever more. So where does the desire and enthusiasm in saving another one of his children come from. I mean he's done this a billion times already, we get board from ironing a shirt a hundred times!

Monotony is teaching me to be patient. It teaches me to serve those i love, whilst forgetting myself. It teaches me to use quiet moments and go on auto drive whilst performing a task, but use the time to ponder and evaluate. It teaches me to master my temper. It teaches me that the process is more important than the end result. It teaches me to rely on the Lord. It teaches my mind to entertain itself. It teaches me to plan better. It teaches me to teach my kids to become more independent and clean up after themselves. It is continuing to teach me to become like Him.

And can one find Joy in monotony? I think we'd better, because i suspect we're all going to have a mortal and spiritual lifetime full of it.

Starting something without the passion to back it up...

I had a temple recommend interview a few months back. One of the questions relates to faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I answered in the affirmative. Yet how strong is this faith?

The goal is to be healthy. I'm currently obese, and this is not acceptable. I'm breaking commandments by not looking after this body and thats not good enough.

Put simply, i know i have to loose weight and gain control of a healthy lifestyle, the fact of the matter is I really have no interest what so ever. I don't believe I can do it. I don't believe any changes or efforts will last. This is and will be my hike to some unattainable summit. The goal in all its enormity, completely TERRIFIES me. Its like the first time you give birth. Your pushing and it hurts, but you can't ignore the fact that YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

Faith is not fear. Its time to live my testimony. For years I have let self doubt hinder and justify past behaviors and habits. I am absolutely right in saying that i can't do this..... on my own.

I know all the information in my head. Even whilst I'm typing this i lack the conviction i feel i need to start and see this through. So step 1 is this... Start

As of next week i start Lite n Easy. I will start taking zinc again. Did I tell you I'm scared. I think this is going to dredge up some stuff. I call it stuff because i really don't know what's going to happen. Heaven help this home, and all who live in it!

I don't care how much i weigh. This is about changing the physical Alicia so the spiritual Alicia can soar to new heights. I believe that they are connected. We'll see.

Why "bringing sexy back" is not important to me...

I have 2 men in my life who detest the words, hot and sexy, when it comes to describing how a woman looks. Infact one of them actually rouses at me and asks me to use a more "appropriate" word. I thought they were going a little over board, but I think there is some just reasoning to their strong objections.

Whilst talking to another fellow mum at church yesterday I shared my insight with her. I explained that this (picture me pointing up and down my body) DOESN'T MATTER. I can feel good about myself and not be a supermodel.

Now let me quickly add that it does matter. I believe strongly that our bodies are a temple and that we should take care of our bodies.

There is no requirement waistline measurement to gain exaltation. As long as i'm healthy then it doesn't matter how I look. I've been able to develop enormous amount of self worth by becoming closer to Heavenly Father. I have come to respect my mind through meditation. I think part of me still and always will reserve some of my self esteem in my appearance (and rightly so), but it will no longer be the cause for feeling ugly, unworthy of love or demoralized.

I would imagine people take pride in the hard work they put into their appearance. I hand it to them, it must take immense amounts of motivation and determination to maintain those types of physics. I've noticed they all say how wonderful they feel, being full of energy. I must admit i envy that part (the energy). In saying that I've come to learn that living the gospel more fully gives me energy. Living my life more in harmony with gospel teachings gives me energy.

I guess the title of the post it not entirely true. For me it just doesn't matter anywhere near as much as it used to.

Going back to my first paragraph. I asked why the boys hated the terms. They answered that the terms are overtly sexual and demeaning. Now these are their opinions bloggers, so don't get your nickers in a knot. We all think people are attractive for different reasons. Sometimes that starts out with their appearance and opinions can quickly change when they open their mouths. Why do we need to be sexy? Why do we need to be hot? For me it means looking a certain way to get attention. And probably the wrong type of attention (unless its someone we're married to).

So here it is. I want to be BEAUTIFUL. Not sexy or hot. Beautiful implies a whole host of qualities. Sexy and Hot imply sexual attractiveness. We don't use the word sexy to describe someone's intellect or personality yet we do use the word beautiful. Its really only a small thing, changing my choice of words, but for me it has a deeper meaning. Changing the word means changing my goal. My husband already finds me sexually attractive (which used to amaze me when i'm currently a size 20) so I'm going to change some other qualities that can make me even more Beautiful. Do you get my line of thinking here?

SNAPPY TOM

Its a little sad that the post that follows "i can do hard things" is a blog about how crappy i feel atm. The last 2 days i've just been dying for a holiday. I miss my husband. I miss it being just him and I. I miss having fun on a regular basis. Whilst things have been improving on the most part, the last 2 days my hormones have come back to reek havoc on me.

So linc's birthday is on monday. I have one crappy gift and feel like its become a non-event, jsut like it it every year. I feel like i don't really know him, and its being reflected in the gift and celebrations. lame.

The ball is on tonight. They don't make pretty ball dresses for big girls and if they do i certainly can't afford them. So after taking everyone's advice i went and bought some fabric and started to sew. EWWWWWWWWWW. Not good, not good at all.

The kids are clingy and whiney and i'm miss snappy tom and cranky pants. The rego, rates, kindy fees, electricity all turned up at the same time and the lawn mower went in to get fixed. So when the poor man collecting money for the epilepsy foundation turned up at my door (I remained calm and polite) i felt like ripping his head off! I'm sorry but NO.

Its all getting to me. I'm craving alone time, I need to think, I need to re-energize, I need time to fall in love with my children again (whilst apart from them), I need to re-connect with lincoln, i need some time when i can read the scriptures, the house needs a scrub (oh it makes me sick, actually its getting embarrassing), I need PEACE.

Finding it hard to be chipper about doing the dishes for the 6th time that day or pulling the vaccume cleaner out for the 3rd time that day, or picking up the lego for the 5th time that day. The bin needs taking out again, crap its 5pm i have no idea what to make for dinner, and no Brooklyn i can't hold you and chop carrots at the same time. I want to murder Bob the Builder and mute all whingey noises that come from my kids. I need a couple of days to sit down and work out a budget, we need to do some major work around the house, MAJOR, argh but all the plans are going to pot and life centers around the precious children. And they are precious but Mummy needs are re-charge! ... I need some time in the temple.

I just wanted to whinge.

Feel free to stop reading now.

I CAN DO "HARD" THINGS!

So i've had this title in mind for over a week now, however the content of the blog has remained a little lacking. In that i don't have much more to say than the tittle itself. I think i've mentioned in previous post/s that when your depressed you're constantly self talking, and most, if not all is negative and poisonous.

So in my healing i've stopped this altogether. I've been pretty good with this. I did discover that i stopped having a voice altogether. There was no mantra. The inner voice was silent. Inspiration came and i have my new voice.... I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I must say it over 20 times a day.

Spencer hits Brooklyn (I CAN DO HARD THINGS).... I approach him, take a deep breathe (because this is the 12th time he's done it today) and i try and deal with him as Christ would.

(Brooklyn the Carnivore... Lamb Shanks)

Its 5pm, the crankiest part of the day for mums and kids. We're all dying for Daddy to get home, dinner has to be made. Not ideal circumstances (I CAN DO HARD THINGS). Better still, I can do hard things day in day out. My goal this week was to cook dinner for 7days in a row. I don't think i've ever done this our entire marriage. I married a saint! Today is day 7. Not only have i cooked every day but i've also made sweets and have huge amounts of leftovers. We've sat at the table every night together as a family and we've been spot on with family scripture reading and prayer. The routine has stuck this week! you see I CAN do hard things!

So there Satan... pfft

The fruits of my Craftyness

This is "Horton," simple stuffed animal pattern given to me by my good friend Annette Comber. Pretty cute hey. I used a flanelette cot sheet pillowcase and cut it up. The big buttons and colourful DMC floss jazz it up a bit.

Spencer's plain t-shirt that i jazzed up with simple applique and stitching. $4 t-shirt from Best n Less came in handy. I must try and find the blog i stole the idea from. I really want to give this girl all the credit for an awesome idea. NEWSFLASH... just found it! www.makeit-loveit.com. Its under the re-purposing section.

To come...

When linc shows me how to convert camera raw files into jpeg's...

What i've been up to crafting wise

Brooklyn's T-Shirt Dress

Brooklyn's Sunday outfit

Eye Spy church game

Some flowers as headpeices and broche's... fabric and crochet

I've forgotten some... i'll come back if thats the case

PLUS

I need some help coming up with a business name. Especially if i'm going to be doing more of this and trying to sell some of it off. The only stipulations is that i like to use my name or nicknames as part of the business name. So fire away people... suggestions not only welcomed but needed!

Tis not right to hate the hormones...

Oh curse thee, ye retched hormones. How thou hast taunted and twisted my paths. Augmented and sentsationalized my negativity. Stolen my energy, dulled my creativity, filched my wit and tarnished all that was good. I have often cursed them and questioned Gods reasonings for even using them. So the above mentioned is a negative outlook on hormones.

BUT

When your positive, hormones make you feel ALIVE. And that is why God uses hormones as part of our chemical make up. That is why women are so spectacular and magical when righteous and happy.... women are full of hormones.

They play their part. However when they're not in balance they can wreck your life... so see to that if you think its affecting your life. I don't think we need to be a victim to our hormones and the rollercoaster ride they sometimes force upon us.

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee. How great thou art, how great thou art!

Epiphany

What a truly wonderful blessing friends can be. They serve a different purpose to family, in that they bless your lives in such varied ways. I have many friends. One in particular i'm grateful to this week... Miss Anne Shirley would describe this friend and a bosom friend or a kindred spirit. We both agree we must of known each other in the pre-existance. I've had this feeling of familiarity with a few of my friends. Where it seems that the first conversation one has with this stranger is literally picking up where you left off. I love her like a sister and although we're not of the same age bracket it rarely is a consideration. We respect each others differences and strengths. I really cherish her. What i love most about our friendship is how we can talk. Its quite unique. The words are bountiful and easy. Spiritual communication is not verbalized but without a doubt exchanged. Her constancy along with others has helped heal my soul.

Now to the moment of enlightenment. We were talking in the car after a "Relief Society Activity" (gosh didn't we all just used to Enrichment). We hadn't spoken in quite some time. So it started out as a general catch up then it turned into some more pressing maters in our lives. I felt like i was able to clearly give voice to thoughts that had been brewing in my mind and soul for some time. And whilst they'd never been heard by ear, my friend sat patiently as I ordered and connected those thoughts.

I'm certain little few are aware of my struggles with depression in the past. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about my battle. In fact i want people to know, especially now as i'm finding answers to years of desperate prayers for help. Ive been quite angry toward Heavenly Father for some years now... I'm finding that i'm mellowing and seeing things AS THEY REALLY ARE. Its no accident that particular people, articles, talks and promptings are not only teaching me but preparing me for change, alas repentance also. Its amazing how the combination of hormone imbalance and Satan's angels can tear one soul apart and destroy all that is beautiful and divine.

In all my years of depression one of the many thoughts that were constantly being processed was that "its harder to obey God and live his laws, than it is to live life with my own ideas." I placed this in inverted commas because quite literally this is a conversation i would have with myself all the time. When one is depressed they are usually feeling unmotivated and tired, hence living the gospel just seemed to hard. THIS IS A LIE. I love telling Satan how it is. Sometimes i love saying things out aloud to him. I can literally picture him shrinking, with the affirmation of truth, and that he has been discovered in his lie! My body sings and reverberates when exposed to truth. Its like the pleasing echoes of a harp.

Pride comes into play here as well. Funny how one who is suffering so severely with feelings of self worth can still stand so obstinate and proud.

I also discovered that if i'm finding it hard to live the gospel then i'm not converted to it. True conversion gives power. It turns "have to" into "want to." This means i need to focus my energies in doing things that will bring about the spirit and in return reap the rewards of the spirit. How foolish to think that i knew better.

And so, i've seen the light. Quite literally. I am more than my lumpy figure, in fact, it bothers me quite substantially less. I think when i start learning to see myself how God see me then the desire to look after this earthly tabernacle will come. I must admit that it seems like some time away as i'm focusing my energies on developing and healing by battered soul. Its time to live the testimony and show forth the faith that i've testified of in the past. Fear is not Faith.

Dearest children, God is with you.

Watching o you day and night.

And delights to own and bless you.

If you strive to do whats right.

He will bless you, he will bless you

If you put your trust in him

Sharing proud parenting moments with Heavenly Father

Its time for an update. I guess I'm deciding to update now because things are going great. And for all the whining i do its time i write a post on the good. Lets just say I'm no longer dubious. Progress has been made. Spencer is now a big kindy boy. (brief pause in typing whilst i deflate my chest from the pride i feel inside). He no longer cries on my leaving or picking up. He eats some foods, he's formed attachments, he's no longer hitting other children, he breaks into songs that i haven't taught him, he looks forward to going to kindy. PHEW, what a relief we stuck it out! We've had some troubles with him at rest time and my Mum kindly offered to pat him off at rest time. Today however, he didn't need mummy or mymmy or pat him off to sleep. WOW. Now this might seem kind of ridiculous, but this is huge progress for my boy.

Spencer is now 3 and as I look back on those 3 years, I can honestly say they've been tough. He's not been an easy child to raise, but oh how i LOVE that little boy. Whilst he's still very 3, he's developing rapidly and loves to learn. He can be so tender at times, and spiritual. It fills me with joy to hear him pray un-aided and to watch his enthusiasm in learnings things of a spiritual nature. His recall amazes me. I could go on and on. Suffice to say, that I'm proud of you Spencer. And Heavenly Father is proud of you too. Thankyou for sending this child to our family.

Dubious

Spencer has been going to kindy... its been a month now. Out of the 8 days he's booked in he's made it to 5 of those days. Public holidays and sickness kept him out of the game for a bit there. So after a month i feel its time to evaluate. It sucks.

Spencer is 3 now and every facet (except toilet training which he did entirely himself) of his childhood has been hard work on both linc and myself. Eating, sleeping and behavior in particular. Before sending him to kindy we'd made some real headway in the sleeping and eating department. It took weeks and alot of tears from all involved but progress had been made.

We felt kindy was the answer to help spencer with social interaction, as well as the many other obvious perks. I was looking forward to spending some one on one time with brooklyn and having a cleaning and shopping day as well. This has not happened. I now have to drive up on both days and pat him off to sleep. This sucks because i can't get anything done.

Brooklyn sleeps from 9am - 11am

Spencer sleeps from 11.30am till whenever

Brooklyn sleeps from 1pm till whenever

This means that NOTHING is getting done. We have an extremely distressed little boy, that cries continually at home, doesn't eat and wakes up to 6 - 12 times a night..... screaming. I'm still battling this cold and last night started vomiting so i feel like crap. Linc is sleep deprived as well. He gets up to him as he insists i sleep so i can get over this cold.

I was prepared for a few hiccups and a period of settling in. I was prepared for a few tears and then he'd forget mum and go have fun. When you hear your child screaming in the night that he doesn't want to go to kindy, it really makes it hard to force him to go.

We're prepared to stick it out longer. Granted the last month hasn't had some consistency with holidays etc. In the mean time, I'm over it. Its damn expensive and a real inconvenience. I keep telling myself that we're doing this for his own good. He really needs to socialize and learn appropriate behavior before school. Its either going to suck now, or suck later. Get it over and done with i guess.

ARGH!

Make this look good

So photography is all the rage right now. I know of several friends and associates that are undertaking study and training to work in their field of choice. I dare say its a passion for them. The most equisite wedding photos, breath taking scenery, darling newborns, romantic engagement shots, and heartwarming family portraits are taken and "touched up," then delivered to clients and displayed on blogs and fb. Some of the work is absolutely first class. Perfection comes to mind. I don't know if i want to cover the photoshop part of this discussion yet. What i did want to say is this...

Can you make fat look good? When bride's are stunning, scenery 's phenomenal, newborns cute, family's endearing, fiance's sickly in love then I'm sure that taking a beautiful photo is easier. What if the subject is obese, suffering from low self esteem and shy in

front of the camera, not photogenic and just really hard to work with. Do they cover this side of photography is their curriculum's?

I remember having maybe about 3 professional photoshoots in my life. None went well. I was carrying weight in all of these shoots, had no idea how to angle my body, hold my head, where to look, how to "pose." I needed direction. In one instance i had mascara smudged all under my eyes, my lipstick smudged, and a necklace tangled and twisted. It doesn't feel natural in front of a lense for me. Infact i feel bashful and scared. Enough about me.

I'm no photographer. I credit their skills and abilities. Can you make anything, or anyone look their best? Please don't take this as a "i hate photographers" blog, not the case. Just wondering what you can do to the average joe blow, and overweight people out there.... or what can you do for me (in other words?)

When the saints hurt each other

"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matt 5:10)

I've been a "mormon" all my life. I developed a testimony around the age of 12yrs and went from relying on my parents testimony to relying on my own. The strength of this testimony has fluctuated from time to time in my life. I think conversion plays a role in how we live the gospel in our lives as well. I was also raised in a fairly strict home. There was no mistaking the rules in our home nor the consequences that inevidably would soon follow after knowingly breaking rules. A strong sense of right and wrong has always been present within me. Whether this was taught or a prior ability that has remained with me in the pre-existance i don't know. At times its a curse, and on more than one occasion been a wonderful blessing in my life. Moral quandries are not something i'm familiar with.

So to the topic of this blog. Many a disciple, whether Christian, Muslim or Buddist have been persecuted for their beliefs. Many have died as martyr's or have endured severe trauma in their lives as a result of their beliefs. Today is no different. Saints throughout the world receive criticism or persecution on a daily basis. Its a scary, upsetting experience being verbally or physically abused for your beliefs and convictions. We all have a story or two or three of such experiences. We expect to encounter opposition from the world. I did not expect to encounter is from within the church.

I understand we are all at different levels. And hopefully we're all striving to some degree. I understand that judging and condemning people is a sin. I understand sin, godly sorrow and repentance. I understand how we sometimes justify sin and behavior. I understand that we all have our "favorite sins." I understand we all struggle. I GET IT. We know what the commandments are, we know and are continuing to understand our covenants, we know we should be christlike and compassionate, we know what we should be doing. I GET THIS AS WELL.

What makes me fractious is saints persecuting saints for being righteous. Actually it does more than make me fractious, it makes my blood boil. How dare anyone persecute anyone for their level of righteousness. Remarks are often made in a spirit of joking and being conjevial. THEY ARE NOT FUNNY. On occasion we all need to be brought to repentance and this is often hard to hear and can often make us prickly. I don't profess to be a prophetess or leader of any kind but i do want others to be made aware and to cease this behavior. It has hurt many people i love and respect. Family members and friends have shared humiliating accounts with me and in return i have felt indignation and frustration. It is not necessary!

It would be inappropriate for any individual to opening mock and torment any member for disobedience or sin, how is it then acceptable for any individual to do the complete opposite. Its just plain nasty. Their is no need for it and it needs to stop. Its still gossip when we're talking about someone being too "molly mormon."

I'm not nieve enough to think that we're all buddy buddy. Sometimes we all can't "just be friends." Its ok that we're all not best friends. Certain personalities clash and that why we all have our own social circles. I do think thats its reasonable enough to be polite and respectful to each other. Many a member of the church has left activity for such reasons. We're adults people. Lets start acting like it. This means that we will have to serve with people we don't necessarily like, or that we don't agree with our leaders decisions, or that Sis Marshall really ticks you off but you smile have a brief conversation and thats that!

Bullies are amongst us and it needs to stop. If you have a problem with someone, have the guts to pull that person aside, talk about in a mature manner, apologize if necessary, pull your head in if necessary and in return you may find a mutual respect or even friendship blossom. I speak from experience of having to do this. My mouth has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion, and whilst i'm trying to learn to bridle my tongue, merely acknowledging i have a problem is not enough. It has meant that i've had to ask for forgiveness, and offer sincere apologies. Sometimes the particular person and i still in the end didn't agree, but agreed to disagree and offered respect and acceptance. We are commanded to love one another, not just the people we like. That would be too easy.

Kindness begins with me!

and hope to be able to "gendure" all things

So ages ago lincoln did up a articles of faith poster for us and we used it in a fhe lesson. He prettied it up and after the lesson i thought it belonged on the back of the toilet door. And there it has stayed for about 4 years now. In his haste the 13th AOF has 2 spelling errors which has never bothered me but tonight one of the spelling errors lead to a series of thoughts.

The title shows the spelling mistake. Its meant to be endure. But when i look at the word it says 2 things to me. Obviously the first is endure, but secondly, gender. To endure with the different trials that come with gender. Male and Female share some similar trials, but we also have trials that are uniquely relate to our sex alone.

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.(Proclamation of the Family)

Heavenly Father began with man, so thats where i'll start. Men, in general are interesting. I say this because i am female and am still trying to understand them. In times past they have been heroes and villans. They hold a special place in our hearts in their roles as fathers, sons, husbands, friends and so forth. They think very differently to women. So what do men have to "gendure?"

Well in the church, they hold the keys of the priesthood which includes service and from time to time leadership and service responsibilities. I would imagine that its not always easy to do this. It means leading in their own homes which is rewarding but alas we are mortal and the boys get tired.

In most homes, men are the bread winners. The thought of having to work for several decades would be such a daunting and exhausting task. I know most men take this role VERY seriously. With mounting pressure from the world (and might i add also within the church) the need to be keeping up with the Jones' is rampant!

Men live with, marry, and associate with females. That sometimes is no easy task. I sometimes pity my poor husband. I'm no shrinking violet. I'm emotional, opinionated and at times difficult to live with. I have high expectations and big financial dreams. How on earth does he not only deal with me but continue to love me! These trait were probably quite endearing to begin with but i'm sure they grind on his nerves. Where does that patience come from and can i borrow some please?!

I'm no man and so i really don't know in entirety the trials of men experience. Feel free to add some more people.

Then came woman.

Well HF certainly out did himself when he created woman. Don't get me wrong, i'm not a huge feminist and don't believe there is a superior sex, but last time i checked i was a female and know more about my own sex. Aren't we complex! At times we boggle our own minds. With all the physical, spiritual, intellectual and emotional beauty women behold we certainly have exceptionally "unique" trials that we have to "gendure."

The obvious comes to mind. Pregnancy and childbirth, periods, motherhood etc. I'll spend some brief emphasis on these. Women experience alot of pain. Perhaps thats how women have alot of sympathy? Empathy comes from experience. Periods are inconvenient, messy and for some painfull. We know they're necessary but i'm sure i'm not alone when i say that.... isn't there a easier way! Pregnancy is difficult, uncomfortable, taxing and sometimes dangerous. Childbirth hurts... ALOT. Raising children and being mothers is the hardest job in the world when your trying. WOW, some really hard stuff. I feel its obvious that the rewards and joys are unique too. Many a women can relate to that most sacred, special occasion of the birth of their child. A memory treasured and held dear.

I also think that the female mind creates its own trials. Alot of women think lowly of themselves. Low self esteem is a plague on society. I know in my own case that my thoughts are never static. A busy highway would be more accurate. And so when one believes she is of no worth, then no bully, tyrant or evil doer could ever be as ruthless as the constant voice of thought within a womens mind.

Women are super busy. A womens work is never, and can i emphasize NEVER, done. Work blesses and curses our lives. Many a women feels overwhelmed by the mammoth list that she carries in her head. A list that never gets shorter but seems to be growing. We feel a need for perfection (another worldwide plague, good job on this one Satan). Wether at church or within our communities and homes we feel a need to achieve perfection. To portray and strive for what we have been promised will come with effort within the eternities. What is required is effort. Not what we're achieving but what we're becoming. All sounds good in theory but i know for myself that i feel this pressure to "appear" to a social standing of perfection.

We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us and we love him. Repeated weekly by the young women of the church. Whilst i know this, and for the most part believe this, I feel that myself and many others this is not enough. We want to be superwomen. We want to be.... something or someone that we are currently not. I often scold myself for weaknesses and my lack of Christian qualities. I remember this quote from teaching in yw's. I always feel i fall short but it has always impressed me and stayed with me

Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.

True doctrine is like electricity through my body.

The following echoes my thoughts ...

President Faust observed that femininity “is the divine adornment of humanity. It finds expression in your … capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each … possesses it. Femininity is part of your inner beauty.”

I miss that in women. I fear we have gone too far. Gentle dignity, quiet strength.

I've gone off topic. Can anyone think of any more gendures?

Another post i'm still figuring out in my head:

photoshop and faking

and no i haven't forgotten the others... i suspect they will be long in length and i like to write these lengthy ones when my creative juices are flowing and i'm feeling passionate about the particular topic... and off i go to think some more. doing washing at 10.47pm gives me ample time to perculate and ponder my topics. at least there's no interruptions this way

just though of another one while sitting on the loo

and hope to be able to "gendure" all things

Namby Pamby

So I had my second attempt at the dentist yesterday. The First time I allowed the chick to just take x-rays. Result... 2 root canals and 1 filling. JOYOUS. She offered to do them on the spot, and I flat out refused. My so called crutch (also know as vallium) had failed to "support" me and I was left teetering on the edge of sheer terror and inner turmoil. I could of sworn I felt the dentist bring out her COWARD brand and stamp me right in the forhead.... sssssssssh! And in all honesty her prices were extortion! So another appointment was made. For yesterday. I was recommended to here by another woose (who can't of been that big of a woose because she actually went through with it).

I'd taken my 2 vallium that morning, then again a half hour before the appointment, thinking that if i built up a dosage that slumber would befall me in the chair and all would be "fine."

Linc picked me up and off we went. I could feel my whole body in fight and flight mode... I wanted to RUN! Even waiting I felt sick... that smell of dentists makes me want to puke. To make a long story short I managed the needle and numbing up part and almost braved about 4 seconds of drilling... Put my hand up and lifted my glasses. THAT WAS IT

Couldn't do it... burst into tears . The whole team spent the next 5 mins with lines similar to "you've made it this far" to which alicia was interpreting as "suck it up." Major anxiety, nausea, and terror were telling me don't you dare open you mouth up again. So after paying a $60 consultation fee, we walked back to the car. Linc dropped me home and i sat at home feeling pathetic and fat from a numbed up mouth. Mum arrived home with the kids from the library 20mins later and I really enjoyed telling her that i balked.

So the anesthetic investigations start. FREAK $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. Mum tells me we could buy a car for the same amount. I immediately feel better pfft. Everytime the issues comes up or someone talks to me about procedures the cold sweat stars, heart rate up and HUGE anxiety overwhems me.

So I feel wonderful knowing that my husbands hard earned dollars is going to be used on his cowardly wife to get her teeth fixed. I also am enjoying the huge bruise the dentist left me when giving me the needle yesterday.

WHO THE HELL DO DENTIST THINK THEY ARE?!

AND WHO THE HELL CAN AFFORD THEM!