Monday, May 10, 2010


Spencer has been going to kindy... its been a month now. Out of the 8 days he's booked in he's made it to 5 of those days. Public holidays and sickness kept him out of the game for a bit there. So after a month i feel its time to evaluate. It sucks.

Spencer is 3 now and every facet (except toilet training which he did entirely himself) of his childhood has been hard work on both linc and myself. Eating, sleeping and behavior in particular. Before sending him to kindy we'd made some real headway in the sleeping and eating department. It took weeks and alot of tears from all involved but progress had been made.

We felt kindy was the answer to help spencer with social interaction, as well as the many other obvious perks. I was looking forward to spending some one on one time with brooklyn and having a cleaning and shopping day as well. This has not happened. I now have to drive up on both days and pat him off to sleep. This sucks because i can't get anything done.

Brooklyn sleeps from 9am - 11am
Spencer sleeps from 11.30am till whenever
Brooklyn sleeps from 1pm till whenever

This means that NOTHING is getting done. We have an extremely distressed little boy, that cries continually at home, doesn't eat and wakes up to 6 - 12 times a night..... screaming. I'm still battling this cold and last night started vomiting so i feel like crap. Linc is sleep deprived as well. He gets up to him as he insists i sleep so i can get over this cold.

I was prepared for a few hiccups and a period of settling in. I was prepared for a few tears and then he'd forget mum and go have fun. When you hear your child screaming in the night that he doesn't want to go to kindy, it really makes it hard to force him to go.

We're prepared to stick it out longer. Granted the last month hasn't had some consistency with holidays etc. In the mean time, I'm over it. Its damn expensive and a real inconvenience. I keep telling myself that we're doing this for his own good. He really needs to socialize and learn appropriate behavior before school. Its either going to suck now, or suck later. Get it over and done with i guess.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Make this look good

So photography is all the rage right now. I know of several friends and associates that are undertaking study and training to work in their field of choice. I dare say its a passion for them. The most equisite wedding photos, breath taking scenery, darling newborns, romantic engagement shots, and heartwarming family portraits are taken and "touched up," then delivered to clients and displayed on blogs and fb. Some of the work is absolutely first class. Perfection comes to mind. I don't know if i want to cover the photoshop part of this discussion yet. What i did want to say is this...

Can you make fat look good? When bride's are stunning, scenery 's phenomenal, newborns cute, family's endearing, fiance's sickly in love then I'm sure that taking a beautiful photo is easier. What if the subject is obese, suffering from low self esteem and shy in
front of the camera, not photogenic and just really hard to work with. Do they cover this side of photography is their curriculum's?

I remember having maybe about 3 professional photoshoots in my life. None went well. I was carrying weight in all of these shoots, had no idea how to angle my body, hold my head, where to look, how to "pose." I needed direction. In one instance i had mascara smudged all under my eyes, my lipstick smudged, and a necklace tangled and twisted. It doesn't feel natural in front of a lense for me. Infact i feel bashful and scared. Enough about me.

I'm no photographer. I credit their skills and abilities. Can you make anything, or anyone look their best? Please don't take this as a "i hate photographers" blog, not the case. Just wondering what you can do to the average joe blow, and overweight people out there.... or what can you do for me (in other words?)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

When the saints hurt each other

"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matt 5:10)

I've been a "mormon" all my life. I developed a testimony around the age of 12yrs and went from relying on my parents testimony to relying on my own. The strength of this testimony has fluctuated from time to time in my life. I think conversion plays a role in how we live the gospel in our lives as well. I was also raised in a fairly strict home. There was no mistaking the rules in our home nor the consequences that inevidably would soon follow after knowingly breaking rules. A strong sense of right and wrong has always been present within me. Whether this was taught or a prior ability that has remained with me in the pre-existance i don't know. At times its a curse, and on more than one occasion been a wonderful blessing in my life. Moral quandries are not something i'm familiar with.

So to the topic of this blog. Many a disciple, whether Christian, Muslim or Buddist have been persecuted for their beliefs. Many have died as martyr's or have endured severe trauma in their lives as a result of their beliefs. Today is no different. Saints throughout the world receive criticism or persecution on a daily basis. Its a scary, upsetting experience being verbally or physically abused for your beliefs and convictions. We all have a story or two or three of such experiences. We expect to encounter opposition from the world. I did not expect to encounter is from within the church.

I understand we are all at different levels. And hopefully we're all striving to some degree. I understand that judging and condemning people is a sin. I understand sin, godly sorrow and repentance. I understand how we sometimes justify sin and behavior. I understand that we all have our "favorite sins." I understand we all struggle. I GET IT. We know what the commandments are, we know and are continuing to understand our covenants, we know we should be christlike and compassionate, we know what we should be doing. I GET THIS AS WELL.

What makes me fractious is saints persecuting saints for being righteous. Actually it does more than make me fractious, it makes my blood boil. How dare anyone persecute anyone for their level of righteousness. Remarks are often made in a spirit of joking and being conjevial. THEY ARE NOT FUNNY. On occasion we all need to be brought to repentance and this is often hard to hear and can often make us prickly. I don't profess to be a prophetess or leader of any kind but i do want others to be made aware and to cease this behavior. It has hurt many people i love and respect. Family members and friends have shared humiliating accounts with me and in return i have felt indignation and frustration. It is not necessary!

It would be inappropriate for any individual to opening mock and torment any member for disobedience or sin, how is it then acceptable for any individual to do the complete opposite. Its just plain nasty. Their is no need for it and it needs to stop. Its still gossip when we're talking about someone being too "molly mormon."

I'm not nieve enough to think that we're all buddy buddy. Sometimes we all can't "just be friends." Its ok that we're all not best friends. Certain personalities clash and that why we all have our own social circles. I do think thats its reasonable enough to be polite and respectful to each other. Many a member of the church has left activity for such reasons. We're adults people. Lets start acting like it. This means that we will have to serve with people we don't necessarily like, or that we don't agree with our leaders decisions, or that Sis Marshall really ticks you off but you smile have a brief conversation and thats that!

Bullies are amongst us and it needs to stop. If you have a problem with someone, have the guts to pull that person aside, talk about in a mature manner, apologize if necessary, pull your head in if necessary and in return you may find a mutual respect or even friendship blossom. I speak from experience of having to do this. My mouth has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion, and whilst i'm trying to learn to bridle my tongue, merely acknowledging i have a problem is not enough. It has meant that i've had to ask for forgiveness, and offer sincere apologies. Sometimes the particular person and i still in the end didn't agree, but agreed to disagree and offered respect and acceptance. We are commanded to love one another, not just the people we like. That would be too easy.

Kindness begins with me!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

and hope to be able to "gendure" all things

So ages ago lincoln did up a articles of faith poster for us and we used it in a fhe lesson. He prettied it up and after the lesson i thought it belonged on the back of the toilet door. And there it has stayed for about 4 years now. In his haste the 13th AOF has 2 spelling errors which has never bothered me but tonight one of the spelling errors lead to a series of thoughts.

The title shows the spelling mistake. Its meant to be endure. But when i look at the word it says 2 things to me. Obviously the first is endure, but secondly, gender. To endure with the different trials that come with gender. Male and Female share some similar trials, but we also have trials that are uniquely relate to our sex alone.

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.(Proclamation of the Family)

Heavenly Father began with man, so thats where i'll start. Men, in general are interesting. I say this because i am female and am still trying to understand them. In times past they have been heroes and villans. They hold a special place in our hearts in their roles as fathers, sons, husbands, friends and so forth. They think very differently to women. So what do men have to "gendure?"

Well in the church, they hold the keys of the priesthood which includes service and from time to time leadership and service responsibilities. I would imagine that its not always easy to do this. It means leading in their own homes which is rewarding but alas we are mortal and the boys get tired.

In most homes, men are the bread winners. The thought of having to work for several decades would be such a daunting and exhausting task. I know most men take this role VERY seriously. With mounting pressure from the world (and might i add also within the church) the need to be keeping up with the Jones' is rampant!

Men live with, marry, and associate with females. That sometimes is no easy task. I sometimes pity my poor husband. I'm no shrinking violet. I'm emotional, opinionated and at times difficult to live with. I have high expectations and big financial dreams. How on earth does he not only deal with me but continue to love me! These trait were probably quite endearing to begin with but i'm sure they grind on his nerves. Where does that patience come from and can i borrow some please?!

I'm no man and so i really don't know in entirety the trials of men experience. Feel free to add some more people.

Then came woman.

Well HF certainly out did himself when he created woman. Don't get me wrong, i'm not a huge feminist and don't believe there is a superior sex, but last time i checked i was a female and know more about my own sex. Aren't we complex! At times we boggle our own minds. With all the physical, spiritual, intellectual and emotional beauty women behold we certainly have exceptionally "unique" trials that we have to "gendure."

The obvious comes to mind. Pregnancy and childbirth, periods, motherhood etc. I'll spend some brief emphasis on these. Women experience alot of pain. Perhaps thats how women have alot of sympathy? Empathy comes from experience. Periods are inconvenient, messy and for some painfull. We know they're necessary but i'm sure i'm not alone when i say that.... isn't there a easier way! Pregnancy is difficult, uncomfortable, taxing and sometimes dangerous. Childbirth hurts... ALOT. Raising children and being mothers is the hardest job in the world when your trying. WOW, some really hard stuff. I feel its obvious that the rewards and joys are unique too. Many a women can relate to that most sacred, special occasion of the birth of their child. A memory treasured and held dear.

I also think that the female mind creates its own trials. Alot of women think lowly of themselves. Low self esteem is a plague on society. I know in my own case that my thoughts are never static. A busy highway would be more accurate. And so when one believes she is of no worth, then no bully, tyrant or evil doer could ever be as ruthless as the constant voice of thought within a womens mind.

Women are super busy. A womens work is never, and can i emphasize NEVER, done. Work blesses and curses our lives. Many a women feels overwhelmed by the mammoth list that she carries in her head. A list that never gets shorter but seems to be growing. We feel a need for perfection (another worldwide plague, good job on this one Satan). Wether at church or within our communities and homes we feel a need to achieve perfection. To portray and strive for what we have been promised will come with effort within the eternities. What is required is effort. Not what we're achieving but what we're becoming. All sounds good in theory but i know for myself that i feel this pressure to "appear" to a social standing of perfection.

We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us and we love him. Repeated weekly by the young women of the church. Whilst i know this, and for the most part believe this, I feel that myself and many others this is not enough. We want to be superwomen. We want to be.... something or someone that we are currently not. I often scold myself for weaknesses and my lack of Christian qualities. I remember this quote from teaching in yw's. I always feel i fall short but it has always impressed me and stayed with me

Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.

True doctrine is like electricity through my body.

The following echoes my thoughts ...

President Faust observed that femininity “is the divine adornment of humanity. It finds expression in your … capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each … possesses it. Femininity is part of your inner beauty.”

I miss that in women. I fear we have gone too far. Gentle dignity, quiet strength.

I've gone off topic. Can anyone think of any more gendures?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Another post i'm still figuring out in my head:

photoshop and faking

and no i haven't forgotten the others... i suspect they will be long in length and i like to write these lengthy ones when my creative juices are flowing and i'm feeling passionate about the particular topic... and off i go to think some more. doing washing at 10.47pm gives me ample time to perculate and ponder my topics. at least there's no interruptions this way

just though of another one while sitting on the loo

and hope to be able to "gendure" all things