Epiphany

What a truly wonderful blessing friends can be. They serve a different purpose to family, in that they bless your lives in such varied ways. I have many friends. One in particular i'm grateful to this week... Miss Anne Shirley would describe this friend and a bosom friend or a kindred spirit. We both agree we must of known each other in the pre-existance. I've had this feeling of familiarity with a few of my friends. Where it seems that the first conversation one has with this stranger is literally picking up where you left off. I love her like a sister and although we're not of the same age bracket it rarely is a consideration. We respect each others differences and strengths. I really cherish her. What i love most about our friendship is how we can talk. Its quite unique. The words are bountiful and easy. Spiritual communication is not verbalized but without a doubt exchanged. Her constancy along with others has helped heal my soul.

Now to the moment of enlightenment. We were talking in the car after a "Relief Society Activity" (gosh didn't we all just used to Enrichment). We hadn't spoken in quite some time. So it started out as a general catch up then it turned into some more pressing maters in our lives. I felt like i was able to clearly give voice to thoughts that had been brewing in my mind and soul for some time. And whilst they'd never been heard by ear, my friend sat patiently as I ordered and connected those thoughts.

I'm certain little few are aware of my struggles with depression in the past. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about my battle. In fact i want people to know, especially now as i'm finding answers to years of desperate prayers for help. Ive been quite angry toward Heavenly Father for some years now... I'm finding that i'm mellowing and seeing things AS THEY REALLY ARE. Its no accident that particular people, articles, talks and promptings are not only teaching me but preparing me for change, alas repentance also. Its amazing how the combination of hormone imbalance and Satan's angels can tear one soul apart and destroy all that is beautiful and divine.

In all my years of depression one of the many thoughts that were constantly being processed was that "its harder to obey God and live his laws, than it is to live life with my own ideas." I placed this in inverted commas because quite literally this is a conversation i would have with myself all the time. When one is depressed they are usually feeling unmotivated and tired, hence living the gospel just seemed to hard. THIS IS A LIE. I love telling Satan how it is. Sometimes i love saying things out aloud to him. I can literally picture him shrinking, with the affirmation of truth, and that he has been discovered in his lie! My body sings and reverberates when exposed to truth. Its like the pleasing echoes of a harp.

Pride comes into play here as well. Funny how one who is suffering so severely with feelings of self worth can still stand so obstinate and proud.

I also discovered that if i'm finding it hard to live the gospel then i'm not converted to it. True conversion gives power. It turns "have to" into "want to." This means i need to focus my energies in doing things that will bring about the spirit and in return reap the rewards of the spirit. How foolish to think that i knew better.

And so, i've seen the light. Quite literally. I am more than my lumpy figure, in fact, it bothers me quite substantially less. I think when i start learning to see myself how God see me then the desire to look after this earthly tabernacle will come. I must admit that it seems like some time away as i'm focusing my energies on developing and healing by battered soul. Its time to live the testimony and show forth the faith that i've testified of in the past. Fear is not Faith.

Dearest children, God is with you.

Watching o you day and night.

And delights to own and bless you.

If you strive to do whats right.

He will bless you, he will bless you

If you put your trust in him