Why "bringing sexy back" is not important to me...

I have 2 men in my life who detest the words, hot and sexy, when it comes to describing how a woman looks. Infact one of them actually rouses at me and asks me to use a more "appropriate" word. I thought they were going a little over board, but I think there is some just reasoning to their strong objections.

Whilst talking to another fellow mum at church yesterday I shared my insight with her. I explained that this (picture me pointing up and down my body) DOESN'T MATTER. I can feel good about myself and not be a supermodel.

Now let me quickly add that it does matter. I believe strongly that our bodies are a temple and that we should take care of our bodies.

There is no requirement waistline measurement to gain exaltation. As long as i'm healthy then it doesn't matter how I look. I've been able to develop enormous amount of self worth by becoming closer to Heavenly Father. I have come to respect my mind through meditation. I think part of me still and always will reserve some of my self esteem in my appearance (and rightly so), but it will no longer be the cause for feeling ugly, unworthy of love or demoralized.

I would imagine people take pride in the hard work they put into their appearance. I hand it to them, it must take immense amounts of motivation and determination to maintain those types of physics. I've noticed they all say how wonderful they feel, being full of energy. I must admit i envy that part (the energy). In saying that I've come to learn that living the gospel more fully gives me energy. Living my life more in harmony with gospel teachings gives me energy.

I guess the title of the post it not entirely true. For me it just doesn't matter anywhere near as much as it used to.

Going back to my first paragraph. I asked why the boys hated the terms. They answered that the terms are overtly sexual and demeaning. Now these are their opinions bloggers, so don't get your nickers in a knot. We all think people are attractive for different reasons. Sometimes that starts out with their appearance and opinions can quickly change when they open their mouths. Why do we need to be sexy? Why do we need to be hot? For me it means looking a certain way to get attention. And probably the wrong type of attention (unless its someone we're married to).

So here it is. I want to be BEAUTIFUL. Not sexy or hot. Beautiful implies a whole host of qualities. Sexy and Hot imply sexual attractiveness. We don't use the word sexy to describe someone's intellect or personality yet we do use the word beautiful. Its really only a small thing, changing my choice of words, but for me it has a deeper meaning. Changing the word means changing my goal. My husband already finds me sexually attractive (which used to amaze me when i'm currently a size 20) so I'm going to change some other qualities that can make me even more Beautiful. Do you get my line of thinking here?

SNAPPY TOM

Its a little sad that the post that follows "i can do hard things" is a blog about how crappy i feel atm. The last 2 days i've just been dying for a holiday. I miss my husband. I miss it being just him and I. I miss having fun on a regular basis. Whilst things have been improving on the most part, the last 2 days my hormones have come back to reek havoc on me.

So linc's birthday is on monday. I have one crappy gift and feel like its become a non-event, jsut like it it every year. I feel like i don't really know him, and its being reflected in the gift and celebrations. lame.

The ball is on tonight. They don't make pretty ball dresses for big girls and if they do i certainly can't afford them. So after taking everyone's advice i went and bought some fabric and started to sew. EWWWWWWWWWW. Not good, not good at all.

The kids are clingy and whiney and i'm miss snappy tom and cranky pants. The rego, rates, kindy fees, electricity all turned up at the same time and the lawn mower went in to get fixed. So when the poor man collecting money for the epilepsy foundation turned up at my door (I remained calm and polite) i felt like ripping his head off! I'm sorry but NO.

Its all getting to me. I'm craving alone time, I need to think, I need to re-energize, I need time to fall in love with my children again (whilst apart from them), I need to re-connect with lincoln, i need some time when i can read the scriptures, the house needs a scrub (oh it makes me sick, actually its getting embarrassing), I need PEACE.

Finding it hard to be chipper about doing the dishes for the 6th time that day or pulling the vaccume cleaner out for the 3rd time that day, or picking up the lego for the 5th time that day. The bin needs taking out again, crap its 5pm i have no idea what to make for dinner, and no Brooklyn i can't hold you and chop carrots at the same time. I want to murder Bob the Builder and mute all whingey noises that come from my kids. I need a couple of days to sit down and work out a budget, we need to do some major work around the house, MAJOR, argh but all the plans are going to pot and life centers around the precious children. And they are precious but Mummy needs are re-charge! ... I need some time in the temple.

I just wanted to whinge.

Feel free to stop reading now.

I CAN DO "HARD" THINGS!

So i've had this title in mind for over a week now, however the content of the blog has remained a little lacking. In that i don't have much more to say than the tittle itself. I think i've mentioned in previous post/s that when your depressed you're constantly self talking, and most, if not all is negative and poisonous.

So in my healing i've stopped this altogether. I've been pretty good with this. I did discover that i stopped having a voice altogether. There was no mantra. The inner voice was silent. Inspiration came and i have my new voice.... I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I must say it over 20 times a day.

Spencer hits Brooklyn (I CAN DO HARD THINGS).... I approach him, take a deep breathe (because this is the 12th time he's done it today) and i try and deal with him as Christ would.

(Brooklyn the Carnivore... Lamb Shanks)

Its 5pm, the crankiest part of the day for mums and kids. We're all dying for Daddy to get home, dinner has to be made. Not ideal circumstances (I CAN DO HARD THINGS). Better still, I can do hard things day in day out. My goal this week was to cook dinner for 7days in a row. I don't think i've ever done this our entire marriage. I married a saint! Today is day 7. Not only have i cooked every day but i've also made sweets and have huge amounts of leftovers. We've sat at the table every night together as a family and we've been spot on with family scripture reading and prayer. The routine has stuck this week! you see I CAN do hard things!

So there Satan... pfft

The fruits of my Craftyness

This is "Horton," simple stuffed animal pattern given to me by my good friend Annette Comber. Pretty cute hey. I used a flanelette cot sheet pillowcase and cut it up. The big buttons and colourful DMC floss jazz it up a bit.

Spencer's plain t-shirt that i jazzed up with simple applique and stitching. $4 t-shirt from Best n Less came in handy. I must try and find the blog i stole the idea from. I really want to give this girl all the credit for an awesome idea. NEWSFLASH... just found it! www.makeit-loveit.com. Its under the re-purposing section.

To come...

When linc shows me how to convert camera raw files into jpeg's...

What i've been up to crafting wise

Brooklyn's T-Shirt Dress

Brooklyn's Sunday outfit

Eye Spy church game

Some flowers as headpeices and broche's... fabric and crochet

I've forgotten some... i'll come back if thats the case

PLUS

I need some help coming up with a business name. Especially if i'm going to be doing more of this and trying to sell some of it off. The only stipulations is that i like to use my name or nicknames as part of the business name. So fire away people... suggestions not only welcomed but needed!

Tis not right to hate the hormones...

Oh curse thee, ye retched hormones. How thou hast taunted and twisted my paths. Augmented and sentsationalized my negativity. Stolen my energy, dulled my creativity, filched my wit and tarnished all that was good. I have often cursed them and questioned Gods reasonings for even using them. So the above mentioned is a negative outlook on hormones.

BUT

When your positive, hormones make you feel ALIVE. And that is why God uses hormones as part of our chemical make up. That is why women are so spectacular and magical when righteous and happy.... women are full of hormones.

They play their part. However when they're not in balance they can wreck your life... so see to that if you think its affecting your life. I don't think we need to be a victim to our hormones and the rollercoaster ride they sometimes force upon us.

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee. How great thou art, how great thou art!

Epiphany

What a truly wonderful blessing friends can be. They serve a different purpose to family, in that they bless your lives in such varied ways. I have many friends. One in particular i'm grateful to this week... Miss Anne Shirley would describe this friend and a bosom friend or a kindred spirit. We both agree we must of known each other in the pre-existance. I've had this feeling of familiarity with a few of my friends. Where it seems that the first conversation one has with this stranger is literally picking up where you left off. I love her like a sister and although we're not of the same age bracket it rarely is a consideration. We respect each others differences and strengths. I really cherish her. What i love most about our friendship is how we can talk. Its quite unique. The words are bountiful and easy. Spiritual communication is not verbalized but without a doubt exchanged. Her constancy along with others has helped heal my soul.

Now to the moment of enlightenment. We were talking in the car after a "Relief Society Activity" (gosh didn't we all just used to Enrichment). We hadn't spoken in quite some time. So it started out as a general catch up then it turned into some more pressing maters in our lives. I felt like i was able to clearly give voice to thoughts that had been brewing in my mind and soul for some time. And whilst they'd never been heard by ear, my friend sat patiently as I ordered and connected those thoughts.

I'm certain little few are aware of my struggles with depression in the past. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about my battle. In fact i want people to know, especially now as i'm finding answers to years of desperate prayers for help. Ive been quite angry toward Heavenly Father for some years now... I'm finding that i'm mellowing and seeing things AS THEY REALLY ARE. Its no accident that particular people, articles, talks and promptings are not only teaching me but preparing me for change, alas repentance also. Its amazing how the combination of hormone imbalance and Satan's angels can tear one soul apart and destroy all that is beautiful and divine.

In all my years of depression one of the many thoughts that were constantly being processed was that "its harder to obey God and live his laws, than it is to live life with my own ideas." I placed this in inverted commas because quite literally this is a conversation i would have with myself all the time. When one is depressed they are usually feeling unmotivated and tired, hence living the gospel just seemed to hard. THIS IS A LIE. I love telling Satan how it is. Sometimes i love saying things out aloud to him. I can literally picture him shrinking, with the affirmation of truth, and that he has been discovered in his lie! My body sings and reverberates when exposed to truth. Its like the pleasing echoes of a harp.

Pride comes into play here as well. Funny how one who is suffering so severely with feelings of self worth can still stand so obstinate and proud.

I also discovered that if i'm finding it hard to live the gospel then i'm not converted to it. True conversion gives power. It turns "have to" into "want to." This means i need to focus my energies in doing things that will bring about the spirit and in return reap the rewards of the spirit. How foolish to think that i knew better.

And so, i've seen the light. Quite literally. I am more than my lumpy figure, in fact, it bothers me quite substantially less. I think when i start learning to see myself how God see me then the desire to look after this earthly tabernacle will come. I must admit that it seems like some time away as i'm focusing my energies on developing and healing by battered soul. Its time to live the testimony and show forth the faith that i've testified of in the past. Fear is not Faith.

Dearest children, God is with you.

Watching o you day and night.

And delights to own and bless you.

If you strive to do whats right.

He will bless you, he will bless you

If you put your trust in him

Sharing proud parenting moments with Heavenly Father

Its time for an update. I guess I'm deciding to update now because things are going great. And for all the whining i do its time i write a post on the good. Lets just say I'm no longer dubious. Progress has been made. Spencer is now a big kindy boy. (brief pause in typing whilst i deflate my chest from the pride i feel inside). He no longer cries on my leaving or picking up. He eats some foods, he's formed attachments, he's no longer hitting other children, he breaks into songs that i haven't taught him, he looks forward to going to kindy. PHEW, what a relief we stuck it out! We've had some troubles with him at rest time and my Mum kindly offered to pat him off at rest time. Today however, he didn't need mummy or mymmy or pat him off to sleep. WOW. Now this might seem kind of ridiculous, but this is huge progress for my boy.

Spencer is now 3 and as I look back on those 3 years, I can honestly say they've been tough. He's not been an easy child to raise, but oh how i LOVE that little boy. Whilst he's still very 3, he's developing rapidly and loves to learn. He can be so tender at times, and spiritual. It fills me with joy to hear him pray un-aided and to watch his enthusiasm in learnings things of a spiritual nature. His recall amazes me. I could go on and on. Suffice to say, that I'm proud of you Spencer. And Heavenly Father is proud of you too. Thankyou for sending this child to our family.