What defines me...
A few thoughts. Its seems blogging has taken off. All us fb addicts seem to be tiring of its limitations and are finding little fufilment. Perhaps its just me. So i've started reading some people's blogs. Most report on comings and goings, activities, motherhood, holidays etc. I think this is blog 5 for me and i've got 1 post on "this is what i did with the kids today..." which was ages ago.
If i asked friends who knew me from the age of 12 until now they would all recall that i longed for marriage and motherhood. I truly didn't even consider anything else. I worked for a few years but was directed to study and learn in professions i could earn money from home. Hence childcare with a possibility of family day care and hairdressing (self explanatory).
So what am i longing and dreaming for now. It may seem quite selfish to say, but its certainly not motherhood. This morning i went to the 1st of 4 week PPP parenting course. I had mixed feelings about the course. I secretly wanted to scream..... I HATE MOTHERHOOD but didn't. Why i don't know. We were all expressing our biggest concerns with our children and what we wanted to cover and achieve from the course. All i want to learn is how do i learn to love motherhood.
During another part of the course i blurted out (back track, some background, the teacher wanted to lay down some ground rules for the class, one of which was confidentiality) "i don't care if you talk about me." Which i mostly meant, probably 70% of the way anyway. Another thought i had - a fb quiz not so long ago asked me what super power i would want... i concluded that invisibility. the whole fly on the wall theory. what do people really think about me. i know i have some people reading my blog now, i would love to know what they thought when i posted my standards, virginity and emotional shopping breakdown. did they agree or disagree, were they shocked, do they respect the point of view but don't want to cause waves.
So back to the original question at hand. What defines me? Of late i must say i feel more like a philosopher and moral crusader then of a mother. At times i resent the blessing that i so desperately wanted, and now no longer treasure. I truly love them, just want to be doing something else. Man that sounds bad. I feel trapped in living out my romantic unrealistic fantasy that was condured up as a teenager. I know i'm here for decades to come in the intense parenting years... on the other hand i'm a coward, and don't know if i'd ever of had the courage to live out some of the dreams, plans, careers and education that i hunger after. i mean i'm living my dream now (apparently) and missing it.
So in answer, i have no idea what defines me. On the upside i have my dreams, on the downside i have reality. may have to think some more and figure this one out. thoughts?
Thanks for being so incredibly honest Liss! I remember when James was a baby thinking, "Is this really Heavenly Father's plan for me? his plan of HAPPINESS? Because if it is, I elect a lower kingdom." It really messed with my testimony for a while. I have had my kids so close together not because I'm incredibly righteous, but because I wanted to get it over and done with and get on with "my life". I'm enduring this pregnancy so I can endure the first six weeks of my babies life which I know from past experience I'LL HATE so I can live again. I like them once they are toilet trained and talking. I think I'm missing my dream too some days. x
ReplyDeleteI've had 5 minutes to compose myself and change my underwear.... that was hell funny jess! I elect a lower kingdom, sign me up too! Can really relate to having doubts about families and HF plan of HAPPINESS. I'm also living the get it out of the way theory. I feel i'm no better as a person for having children, in fact in many regards i've taken several steps backwards! I think in some small way i just want extinguish the whole romantic idea of motherhood. the huggies add on tv is a 30second snippet of a crappy day. 10mins before the tender moment the child smeared poo all over the walls and 10mins after they threw their breakfast at their sibling. romantic.... I THINK NOT!
ReplyDeleteMy favourite quote from Elder James E Faust,(how I love that great man!)which I have to read to myself pretty much everyday mind you!
ReplyDelete"Some of you sisters may feel inadequate because you can’t seem to do all you want to do. Motherhood and parenting are most challenging roles. You also have Church callings that you fulfill so capably and conscientiously. In addition, many of you, besides all this, have to work as well as care for your family. You noble sisters are doing a much better job of holding it all together and making it work than you realize. May I suggest that you take your challenges one day at a time. Do the best you can. Look at everything through the lens of eternity. If you will do this, life will take on a different perspective."
The lens of Eternity! That's the way everything becomes better. Our perspective changes and our divine roles as women and mothers IS what defines us and we CAN love it...somehow!
And that my Kate is why you are awesome! I'm still at the stage where i don't find eternity that appealing. But kudos to you my dear, your one step further than i am :-)
ReplyDeleteEternity not appealing? What about being with that man you adore so much FOREVER! The thought of eternity is blissful in that way (also scary in that I worry where exactly I will be in the eternities.... but that is for another discussion.)
ReplyDeleteWhat defines you? I'd say a strong woman with morals who lives them and feels them, who is striving for righteousness, one who is honest and even though she finds her roles hard and sometimes unlikeable continues to do her best and keep trying.
I have a book "finding contentment in motherhood" - it's not brilliant but a good read. There are MANY challenges in motherhood and one of them is to find joy in it. "There is joy in the jourbey, joy in the climb..." It's ok to feel as you do, now it's what you do with that knowledge.
Why can't I just respond? Why do I always have to give advice? I HATE that about myself. But you are a good mother despite your own self-analysed inadequacies. Here's my thoughts on the matter.... (I warn you, it's a long read!)
http://cowanfam.blogspot.com/2009/02/measure-of-successful-mother.html
You girls are so funny and having a baby sounds so appealing right now...
ReplyDeleteI dont want to sound preachy, because lets be honest, Im not a Mother so I really dont have a big idea about how it all works, but Im really envious of what you guys have. When you WANT a baby but CANT have one...its pretty much the worst feeling ever. And now Im starting to worry that NOT having a baby is what defines me...and not in a good way! Im not sure if I like it...
One of my favourite new websites is
http://makeundermylife.com/
its all about decluttering your life, which I think is exactly what the doctor ordered. I think a declutter inside and out is exactly what I need and hopefully I'll figure some stuff out along the way.
I love their 4 steps...
1.Create a vision
2.Exfoliate stuff
3.Identify intentions
4.Reflect and evolve
Take a look maybe something will jump out at you.
http://makeundermylife.com/makeunder-how-and-why/
http://makeundermylife.com/makeunder-step-one-create-a-vision/
What defines Alicia Kilworth?? What defines any of us? I think "definitions" of one-self can be overrated and because they are constantly changing very hard to pinpoint.
ReplyDeleteWe have some similarities: All I ever wanted was to be married and have children. I wasn't interested in going to Uni & studying...I just wanted to be a wife & mother. Luckily for me I got the first part pretty well straight away. Engaged at 18yrs one month after graduating school and married 11months later (thanks Dad!). But the children part came 5 years later and not by choice. When you really want something & it's a righteous desire but it's just not happening, that can really "rock" your world - I sympathize Ami...as someone who's been there I know exactly how you are feeling.
I can't say that I absolutely LOVE motherhood but do I want to be doing anything else?? I can answer that emphatically with a NO! Is there joy in motherhood? Sometimes - yes but mostly being a mother is damn hard work and there are mostly not so joyous moments. We cannot be perfect or compare ourselves with one another because that will surely be our undoing.
Can I just say.....it get's easier. I know you've heard that so many times but honestly it does. The older they get the easier they become. I prefer my kids out of nappies & able to talk also, with a fairly high level of independence. Kobe is a struggle, especially with a 4yr gap between him and Jackson. But, like I said - there isn't anything else I'd rather be doing.
Would you?
You are a strong, independent woman Liss with a fantastic husband (not all women have that) & your kids are really great. You survive!!! And you do it with grace, poise, elegance & with a set of values that you are so strong in that even I am in awe of you. You amaze me!
Patience Liss....you will get there.
Thank you for being so honest. I really struggle with the whole "finding happiness in motherhood" thing as well. Especially at the moment when No 2 is only weeks away, I'm exhausted and Callum has just started throwing temper tantrums if for example I want to strap him in the car seat, or won't let him have chips for breakfast. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this!
ReplyDeleteIt's been really great to read this, Liss. I don't feel like I can contribute anything significant to the great comments that have already been put forward, but it was really great to read. :-)
ReplyDelete