What defines me...
A few thoughts. Its seems blogging has taken off. All us fb addicts seem to be tiring of its limitations and are finding little fufilment. Perhaps its just me. So i've started reading some people's blogs. Most report on comings and goings, activities, motherhood, holidays etc. I think this is blog 5 for me and i've got 1 post on "this is what i did with the kids today..." which was ages ago.
If i asked friends who knew me from the age of 12 until now they would all recall that i longed for marriage and motherhood. I truly didn't even consider anything else. I worked for a few years but was directed to study and learn in professions i could earn money from home. Hence childcare with a possibility of family day care and hairdressing (self explanatory).
So what am i longing and dreaming for now. It may seem quite selfish to say, but its certainly not motherhood. This morning i went to the 1st of 4 week PPP parenting course. I had mixed feelings about the course. I secretly wanted to scream..... I HATE MOTHERHOOD but didn't. Why i don't know. We were all expressing our biggest concerns with our children and what we wanted to cover and achieve from the course. All i want to learn is how do i learn to love motherhood.
During another part of the course i blurted out (back track, some background, the teacher wanted to lay down some ground rules for the class, one of which was confidentiality) "i don't care if you talk about me." Which i mostly meant, probably 70% of the way anyway. Another thought i had - a fb quiz not so long ago asked me what super power i would want... i concluded that invisibility. the whole fly on the wall theory. what do people really think about me. i know i have some people reading my blog now, i would love to know what they thought when i posted my standards, virginity and emotional shopping breakdown. did they agree or disagree, were they shocked, do they respect the point of view but don't want to cause waves.
So back to the original question at hand. What defines me? Of late i must say i feel more like a philosopher and moral crusader then of a mother. At times i resent the blessing that i so desperately wanted, and now no longer treasure. I truly love them, just want to be doing something else. Man that sounds bad. I feel trapped in living out my romantic unrealistic fantasy that was condured up as a teenager. I know i'm here for decades to come in the intense parenting years... on the other hand i'm a coward, and don't know if i'd ever of had the courage to live out some of the dreams, plans, careers and education that i hunger after. i mean i'm living my dream now (apparently) and missing it.
So in answer, i have no idea what defines me. On the upside i have my dreams, on the downside i have reality. may have to think some more and figure this one out. thoughts?
